Progress in the last few decades has made fat loss too easy. It’s no longer enough of a challenge or badge of honor for anyone who considers themselves hardcore, so we need a special method to prove the toughness of our mettle. It took many years of research and experimentation, but here it is, the absolute worst fat loss diet.
There are many potential elements to capitalize on, and with the right plan we can induce some serious physiological dysregulation. Fatigue and ravenous hunger are given, but there’s so much more discomfort to mine.
The absolute worst fat loss diet must at least destroy sex drive, skin and hair quality, metabolic rate, sleep, immune function, and sap at least 90% of the fun of life.
With those premises in place, here are the important fundamentals.
- First we need to chop daily calories below basal metabolic rate. Halving daily intake is a good start, but 1/3 would be even better.
- Eating too infrequently won’t optimize hunger, so at least 10 tiny meals per day is advised. Each meal must be small enough to begin to get a taste of your food and jack up cravings, but nowhere near big enough to allow any sort of satisfaction.
- The biggest meal of the day should be breakfast, and to really enhance hunger it should contain no fat or protein, just some super-fast digesting carbohydrate—maybe some toasted plain white bread.
- Protein, fiber, and fat are known to cause satiety, so they should be minimized.
- Deficiencies in essential nutrients can induce the cravings we’re seeking to withstand, so nutrient-dense foods should be avoided.
- Nothing sharpens desire like prohibition, so it’s very important to restrict pleasurable foods. No treats whatsoever. Remember, flexibility is our enemy.
- One of the least satiating ways to take in calories is to drink them, so high carb, bland-tasting meal replacement shakes are a must.
- Social engagements and venturing out of the house at all should be avoided, but if you really have to go out—say to restock your meal replacement powder—be sure to have a good supply of tupperware so that you can eat on the run.
- No food past 6:00 PM! There’s huge potential torture in spending the last hours of the day feeling like you’re starving.
- Minimum of two hours cardio per day, if not more.
- If your body’s starvation defense mechanisms aren’t leading to a serious lack of sleep, make sure you set a very early alarm, say 3 AM. The stress from lack of sleep will cause extreme cravings and inhibit ability to metabolize glucose effectively, which will make fat loss all the more difficult.
- When you eventually fall off the wagon and succumb to a piece of cheesecake, you need to know that it’s all or nothing, and that the whole diet has been ruined. Therefore you might as well eat four cheesecakes, and chase it up with a trip to McDonald’s.
- After a few days of eating like this when you’re fatter than you were when you started, eat yourself up with guilt, and just start the whole process over again.
- Repeat endlessly.
- Tell everyone how much you suffered so that they know what you’re made of.
- Bask in the satisfaction of knowing that you’re dieting how it should be done, and that these modern people bleating on about flexibility are idiots.
The Desire for Self-Flagellation and the Absolute Worst Fat Loss Diet
I occasionally run into the idea that suffering on a diet is non-negotiable, and that any flexibility and lack of restriction is somehow cheating, which is what prompted this post. It’s the weirdest thing because I’ve actually dieted in a similar manner to that above, and it’s hellish.
Not only that, but it eventually leads to complete failure—for a variety of reasons you just can’t sustain any results you get.
Anyway, whatever leads to this strange psychology, if you did the opposite of everything I wrote here, you’d have a pretty decent fat loss protocol.
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